Vol. 14, No. 37, March 18, 2002

ABSOLUTELY THE LAST WORD ON DIETING The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Conclusion: Eat what you like. It's speaking English that kills you! THE SENILITY PRAYER God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Web Fun

AT THE RACES
Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the racetrack. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse, a very long shot, won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th racehorses lined up and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.

Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with being Protestant, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

NOW THAT I’M OLDER, HERE’S WHAT I’VE DISCOVERED

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
6. All reports are in: life is now officially unfair.
7. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
8. If all is not lost, where is it?
9. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
10. Some days you're the dog, some days you're
    the hydrant.
11. I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few.
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
15. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
16. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
17. When I'm finally holding all the cards, everyone decides to play chess.
18. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
19. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
20. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter – I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm "here after."