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R E I N D E E R
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. And, they were all pregnant, too!
Now we all know where it all came from.
{Submitted by correspondent Gordon Eccles, Class of 1960, University of Idaho, from Picabo, Idaho}
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WebFun
MARTHA STEWART’S HOLIDAY PLANNER
- December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey, spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
- December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
- December 3
Re-paint entire house snow white with forest green shutters. Hand stencil white stars on shutters and, using snow blower, spray glitter over house to give it that festive look.
- December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim, on dining room ceiling.
- December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
- December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
- December 7
Hand fashion Christmas wreaths from pine branches collected myself from the Martha Stewart National Forest.
- December 8
Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles, handmade from beeswax from my backyard bee colony.
- December 9
Record own Christmas album complete with 4 part harmony and all instrument accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all my friends and loved ones.
- December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of the Earth.
- December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
- December 12
Erect ice skating rink in front yard, using spring water I bottled myself. Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by hand making snow and playing my Christmas album.
- December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
- December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
- December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at the mall.
- December 16
Take the day off. Decide to go into therapy after the holidays.
- December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
- December 18
Make appointment with therapist.
- December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
- December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg white wash and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
- December 21
Drain city reservoir, refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
- December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
- December 23
Seed clouds for White Christmas.
- December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
- December 25
Alphabetize all the Christmas gifts for family and friends and cross-reference by color and size.
- December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
- December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of myself.
- December 28
Take tree apart, disinfect, and reassemble for New Year's Eve Party.
- December 29
Hand sew 365 quilts, using 365 material squares woven by myself. Donate to local charity.
- December 30
Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive branches, to signify world peace.
- December 31
New Year's Eve!! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
- January 1
Appointment with therapist. Re-decorate her office during session.
AND IT CAME TO PASS
An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone Pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot."
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS, for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, “Ebay,” he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"Whoopee!", said Abraham.
"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.
And that is how it all began.
MALE & FEMALE
Submitted by Earl Falk
From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.
The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
PENLIGHT -- male, because it can be turned on very easily, but isn't very bright.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON -- male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around and is good for killing bugs.
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