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Paul Harvey’s Letter to His Grandson
"We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better. I'd really like for them to know about hand-me down
clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meatloaf sandwiches. I really would.
My cherished grandson, I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated. I hope you learn to make your bed and mow the lawn and wash
the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen. I hope you have a job by then.
It will be good if at least one time you can see a baby calf born and your old dog put to sleep. I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in. I hope you
have to share a room with your brother. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because
he's scared, I hope you let him. When you want to see a Disney movie and your little brother wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely. On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope your
driver doesn't have to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one. I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books. When you learn to use those
newfangled computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head. I hope you get razzed by your friends when you have your first crush on a girl, and when you talk
back to your mother that you learn what Ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on the stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole. I hope you get sick when someone blows cigar smoke in your
face. I don't care if you try beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your grandpa and go fishing with your uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and the joy of holidays. I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through a neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Christmas time when you give her a plaster of Paris mold of your hand.
These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work, and happiness."
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A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of
divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question "What is two and two?"
He first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two."
He second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator
and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next applicant was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v.
Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The businessman
asked him, " How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat
down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job.
What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you
don't understand.
What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
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