Vol. 16, No. 29
January 19, 2004

Web Fun

The Church and the Squirrels

There were four country churches in a small Alabama town: the Presbyterian Church, the Baptist church, the Methodist church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a large plywood cover on the baptistery and flood it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But, the Methodist church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.  Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

New Retirement Plan

If you had bought $1,000 of Nortel stock last year, it would be worth $49 now.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left from $1,000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

However, if you had bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser beer, drunk it all, and turned in the cans for a 10 cent deposit, you would have $214. Based on the above, my current advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is my new retirement program — called a 401 Keg!

What’s a Billion?

The next time you hear a politician use the words "billion" casually, think about whether you want that politician spending your tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:

A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Washington spends it.

[Your editor points out that politicians and bureaucrats alike are now comfortable reciting figures in the trillions. What the heck is a trillion? I hope some advertising agency figures that one out. I’m still working on nanoseconds.]


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The Semi-Annual, Half-Yearly Report

Web Fun