IN THIS ISSUE

Vol. 14, No. 13, October 1, 2001

 Web Fun

A POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 30

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean,
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend,
And gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things,
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account,
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file,
And if you unzipped anything in public.
You'd be in jail for awhile.

Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home,
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
Philosophical Questions

Ponder these questions when you don't want to think about important stuff!

  • If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
  • Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
  • What do chickens think we taste like?
  • What do people in China call their good plates?
  • What do you call a male ladybug?
  • What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
  • When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
  • Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
  • Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
  • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  • Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
  • Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
  • Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  • Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
  • Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
  • Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
  • Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
  • How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
  • If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
  • Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
  • You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
  • If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
  • If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
  • If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
  • If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?

If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of ONE?