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IN THIS ISSUE

Vol. 13, No. 36, March 26, 2001

 Web Fun

DIVING IN
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

CLASSIFIED AD:
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover."

QUICK WIT
Driving our family to a new restaurant, I took several wrong turns. When I finally found the right road, I asked my husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?"

"I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You always know where you're going when I'm driving."

MICROSOFT JANITOR

An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for an aptitude test. After the test, the manager says: "You will be hired at a salary of $30 per day. Let me have your E-mail address so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work each day."

Taken aback, the unemployed man states that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an E-mail address. To this the MS manager replies: "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and therefore cannot expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10 lb. box of tomatoes at the supermarket. In less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100.

And, thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Eventually he multiplies his profits many-fold in quite a short time.

Not long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards on a pick-up truck. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Considering the future of his family, he decides to buy some life insurance.

Calling an insurance agent, he picks an insurance policy to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the agent asks for his E-mail address, in order that he might forward the documentation. When the man replies that he has no E-mail, the agent is stunned, "What, you don't even have E-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, E-mail, and E-commerce? Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the very start!"

After a moment's silence, the millionaire replied: "I would have been a janitor at Microsoft!"

Morals of the story:

  1. The Internet, E-mail, and E-commerce do not need to rule your life.
  2. If you don't have E-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
  3. Seeing that you got this story via E-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.


A true story from Montana, the state where drunk driving is considered a sport comes

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.

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