IN THIS ISSUE

Vol. 13, No. 19, November 6, 2000

 Web Fun

GREAT QUOTES

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. – Dorothy Parker

Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? – James Thurber

Life is a zoo in a jungle. – Peter DeVries

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? – Jean Cocteau

Hollywood – a place where the inmates are in charge of the asylum. – Laurence Stallings

One of the most obvious facts about grown-ups to a child is that they have forgotten what it is like to be a child. – Randall Jarrell

The world is divided into people who do things – and people who get the credit. – Dwight Morrow

No man is ever old enough to know better. – Holbrook Jackson

Old age is always 15 years older than I am. – Bernard Baruch

History is an endless repetition of the wrong way of living. – Lawrence Durrell

Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose. – Winston Churchill
 

Contributed by Bob McNulty
BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER

  • You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
  • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  • Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  • It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
  • Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
  • Your eyes won't get much worse.
  • Things you buy now won't wear out.
  • No one expects you to run into a burning building.
  • There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
  • Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
  • In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  • You can live without sex but not without glasses.
  • Your back goes out more than you do.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  • You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
  • Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
  • You sing along with the elevator music.
  • You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
  • You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
  • You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
  • You send money to PBS.
  • You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
  • Your ears are hairier than your head.
  • You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
  • You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
  • You get cable for the weather channel.
  • You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.