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Question For God
A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God. The man asked, "God, what's a million years to you?" And God said, "A minute."
Then the man asked: "Well, what's a million dollars to you?" and God said, "A penny."
Then, the man asked, "God, can I have a penny?" And God said, "Sure, in a minute."
Good Advice
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
X-Rated Picture
A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in Boise's posh Egyptian Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't move. The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
Upon his arrival, the officer briefly surveyed the situation, then said, "All right cowboy, what's your name?"
"Roy," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Roy?"
With pain in his voice, Roy replied, "The balcony."
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In honor of the Sixth Annual BBRC Golf Outing, here are actual caddy quotes:
Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!”
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh, yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, it’s a compass!"
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"
Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!"
JOB INTERVIEWS
Top personnel executives of major American corporations were surveyed and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. Here's what they reported:
"He said he was so well-qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent."
"She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
"Balding candidate abruptly excused himself [and] returned to office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece."
"Asked to see the interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
"Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office."
"Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
"Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
"Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police."
"At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
"Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
"Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
"During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
"He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time."
"She threw up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened."
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