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THE FINAL WORD
by Craig Wilson
I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity,
but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10
pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating dos and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high calorie sauces, and cookies
made with real butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. GOOD GRIEF! Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas, a carrot stick? I
didn't think so. Isn't mine either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph! I have my own tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll
be fat and happy! So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
- About those carrot sticks – avoid them. Anyone who puts carrot on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
- Drink as much eggnog as you can, and quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even more rare than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of the year but now. So drink up! Who
cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have
one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
- If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of our mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
- As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
- Do NOT have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
- Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet
table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
- If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.
You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.
- Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,
if you don't like Mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
- Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all costs. I mean, have some standards, please.
- AND, one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or
get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention! REREAD TIPS. Start over.
But, hurry! Cookie-less January is just around the corner.
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