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Southern Zodiac
OKRA
Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous
influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN
Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about
just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful.
Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.
BOLL WEEVIL
Feb 20 - Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and
you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven, as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to
marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE
Mar 21 - Apr 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the
physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to
be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or, maybe not.
POSSUM
Apr 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and
develop a "don't-bother-me-about- it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but
seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH
May 22 - Jun 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water
cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very,
very good heads.
COLLARDS
Jun 22- Jul 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of
life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are
Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH
Jul 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: whiskers may cause
problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon
Pies.
GRITS
Aug 24 - Sep 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big
crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs.
If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
GOOBER (aka PEANUT)
Sep 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who
know you best – your friends and loved ones – may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much
softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to, because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will
always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN
Oct 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a
Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to
do with Moon Pies
ARMADILLO
Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good
evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything
about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating
possibility.
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BABY QUIZ
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck,
right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A:
For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A:
Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A:
Beause you're fatter than they are.
Q:
My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A:
Whatever she says divided by two.
Q:
My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A:
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A:
Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means something to you.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A:
Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A:
It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A:
Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kid is in college.
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