Vol. 13, No. 16, October 16, 2000

 Dark Side Emerges

Citing discontent with the “two major parties,” Dale Hemphill let it be known that four of the States in the Tory and Whig parties were “fed up with the political machine that has emerged for this election. These two candidates are clones … there’s no difference between the parties … they have become moderates … moderates of NOTHING. We want to make a difference in the community, so therefore, we’re defecting to form a new party!”

The four states are Excitement, Blame Canada, Perfection, and Panic. Dale wanted to nominate “sweet, pure, pretty little Wendi,” but Chairman Lingenbrink ruled him out of order since Wendi was already a chair of an existing party (Euphoria). Lingenbrink offered the four states the candidacy of Ralph Nader’s half-brother, Darth. On cue, Darth Nader entered the hall to the martial music of Star Wars and introduced himself as being from the Dark Side Party.

Things got even more convoluted. Imperial Officer Ballard came in to take Hemphill away, but then entered – who else, but – Princess Margie Leia, with Persian Rolls as ear-pieces. Reference was made by Darth that Obi-Norm had taught the Princess well, which led to an introduction of Obi-Norm Kenobi. Norm and Margie hurled down the gauntlet (two white gloves), saying that the Dark Side could never defeat the Tories or the Whigs. Well, we’ll see about that! As Lingenbrink said, “You’ve just seen episodes 4,5, and 6 … stay tuned for 1,2, and 3.”

Darth Nader was last seen munching Persian Rolls and making guttural noises. [Reporting these electoral skits pushes the reportorial skills of the communications department. We believe the end is near.]