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Portrait of a Rotarian: Richard D. ďDickĒ Swanson

Web Fun

Vol. 12, No. 44, May 15, 2000

 Web Fun

Age Is A Funny Thing, When You Think About It

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when weíre kids? If youíre less than 10 years old, youíre so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you? Iím 4-and-a-half! Youíre never 36-and-a-half.

Thatís the key. You get into your teens, now they canít hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? Iím gonna be 16. You could be 12, but youíre gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life arrives. You become 21. But you see, even the words sounds like a ceremony. You BECOME 21. YES!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. Thereís no fun now. Whatís wrong?

What changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then youíre PUSHING 40. Stay over there, itís all slipping away.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, youíre PUSHING 40, then you REACH 50. My dreams are gone!

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, youíre PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, and then you MAKE IT to 60. I didnít think Iíd make it.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, youíre PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, but then youíve built up so much speed, you HIT 70!!!

After that, itís a day-by-day thing. After that you HIT Wednesday. You get into your 80ís, you HIT lunch. Youíre TURNING 4:30. ďMy grandmother wonít even buy green bananas. Well, itís an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one.Ē

And it doesnít end there. Into your 90ís, you start going backwards. ďI was JUST 92.Ē Then, a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. ďIím 100-and-a-half!Ē


Numerical Questions

  1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
  2. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
  3. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
  4. 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
  5. Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle
  6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot furlong
  7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
  8. Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
  9. 1000 aches: 1 megahertz
  10. Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
  11. Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 horsepower
  12. Shortest distance between two jokes: 1 straight line
  13. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond
  14. A half bath: 1 demijohn
  15. 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
  16. Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step," the first step of a one-mile journey: 1 Milwaukee
  17. 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
  18. 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
  19. 365.25 days: 1 unicycle
  20. 2200 mockingbirds: two kilo mockingbirds
  21. 10 cards: 1 decacards
  22. 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
  23. 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
  24. 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
  25. 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
  26. 1 million billion piccolos: 1 gigolo
  27. 10 rations: 1 decoration
  28. 100 rations: 1 C-ration
  29. 10 millipedes: 1 centipede
  30. 3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent
  31. 10 monologues: 5 dialogs
  32. 5 dialogs: 1 decalog
  33. 2 monograms: 1 diagram
  34. 8 nickels: 2 paradigms
  35. 2 wharves: 1 paradox
  36. 100 Senators: not 1 decision

Ė by Neal Jackson.


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