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Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn
by Dave Barry
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And, when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV .
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above
average drivers.
13. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
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WHY I
DON’T EXERCISE
contributed by Wally Mahoney
It
is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $5.000 per month.
1.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.
2.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.
6.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least:
10.
I don't exercise, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
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