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Dilbert’s Rules Of Order
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
23. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
24. Following the rules will not get the job done.
25. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, " How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
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SUPER GRANNY:
Defender of Justice
(True Story)
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four
males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have
a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation and got out and ran like mad,
whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried
and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant
to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car
jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair, carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
OVERPOPULATION OF NERDS
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers through the
Silicon Valley stopped for a beer. As he approached the tavern he saw a big sign on the door saying: "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!"
He went in and sat down, and the bartender came over to him, sniffed
the air and said, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver said, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the
computers I’m hauling." The bartender said, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," and he served him a beer.
As he was sipping his beer, a skinny guy walked in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word
, pulled out a shotgun and blew the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to
worry, nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and they’re in season now. You don't even need a license."
The truck driver finished his beer, got back in his truck, and headed back
onto the freeway. Suddenly he veered to avoid an accident and his load shifted. The back door broke open and computers spilled out all
over the freeway. He jumped out of his cab and saw a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They were all engineers, accountants, and programmers
wearing the nerdiest clothes he had ever seen. He couldn’t let them steal his whole load, so, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulled
out his gun and started firing away, felling several of them instantly.
Just at that moment, a Highway Patrol officer came zooming up and
jumped out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em!"
– making the rounds at Boeing
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