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BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- You can eat dinner at 4:00
- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You get cable for the weather channel.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You send money to PBS.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
- People send you this list.
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RULES FOR THE DOG
- The dog is not allowed in the house.
- Ok, the dog is allowed in the house, but not on the furniture.
- Ok, the dog is allowed on the old furniture, but not the new furniture
- Ok, the dog is allowed on the furniture, but not in the bedroom.
- Ok, the dog is allowed in the bedroom, but not on the bed.
- Ok, the dog is allowed on the bed, but by invitation only.
- Ok, the dog can sleep on the bed every night, but not under the covers.
- Ok, the dog can be under the covers, but by invitation only.
- Ok, the dog can sleep under the covers every night.
- The human must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
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ALTERNATIVE STATE MOTTOES
[Contributed by other people as they see each state, by Gary Warner, Orange
County Register]
- Alabama: “Not Mississippi”
- Alaska: “One Hundred Million Sockeye Salmon Can’t Be Wrong”
- Arizona: “Dehyd-rific!”
- Arkansas: “It depends on what you mean by Arkansas”
- California: “As Seen On TV”
- Colorado: “Too Wimpy to Cross the Mountains, So We Stopped Here.”
- Connecticut: “Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less
Character”
- Delaware: “Bathroom Stop Between Philadelphia and Washington D.C.”
- Florida: “Ask Us About Our Grandkids”
- Georgia: “Gateway to Florida”
- Hawaii: “No Interstates!”
- Idaho: “More Than Just Potatoes …Well, Not Really, But the Potatoes
Sure Are Real Good.”
- Illinois: “Gateway to Iowa”
- Indiana: “Two Billion Years Tidal-Wave Free”
- Iowa: “Easy to Spell”
- Kansas: “Toto’s Dead”
- Kentucky: “The No No-Smoking State”
- Louisiana: “Come for the Heat-Stay for the Humidity”
- Maine: “Cheap Lobster”
- Maryland: “A Thinking Man’s Delaware”
- Massachusetts: “Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Some Tax Brackets}”
- Michigan: “Where Cars Used to Come From”
- Minnesota: “Next Stop, Canada!”
- Mississippi: “Your Flood-Relief Tax Dollars At Work”
- Missouri: “The Show-Me-The Way-Outta Here State”
- Montana: “Where You’re Wanted”
- Nebraska: “Ask About Our State Motto Contest”
- Nevada: “Two-to-One, You’ll Come Again”
- New Hampshire: “Go Away and Leave Us Alone or Die”
- New Jersey: “I Got Yer $%! Motto Right Here!”
- New Mexico: “Lizards Make Excellent Pets”
- New York: “You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an
Attorney”
- North Carolina: “Tobacco is a Vegetable”
- North Dakota: “The Other South Dakota”
- Ohio: “Don’t Judge Us by Dayton.”
- Oklahoma: “Like the Play Only No Singing”
- Oregon: “Spotted Owl-The Other White Meat”
- Pennsylvania: “Cook With Coal”
- Rhode Island: “We’re Not Really an Island”
- South Carolina: “Sorry About the Civil War”
- South Dakota: “Closer Than North Dakota”
- Tennessee: “A Great Fixer-Upper”
- Texas: “Size Matters”
- Utah: “Official Felons of the 2002 Olympics”
- Vermont: “A-Yep”
- Virginia: “Come See Our Planted Presidents”
- Washington: “Decaf-Free”
- Washington, D. C. - “Wanna Be Mayor?”
- West Virginia: Sounded Better Than Southern Ohio”
- Wisconsin: “Freeze With the Cheese”
- Wyoming: “One of Those Rectangle States.”
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