NEW PREZ MONOLOGUE
Steve Lingenbrink

What a crowd! You sound like the Saudi royal family when oil hit $60 a barrel.

As I’m sure you know by now, oil has hit a new high, $60 a barrel. In fact, the price of oil is so high that today President Bush called the Saudi prince he was holding hands with and said, "How about dinner and a movie?”

In fact, when asked today what effect these prices would have on the average car owner, President Bush said, "Not much because most Americans buy oil in little cans. They don’t buy the big barrels.”

McDonald’s announced they are coming out with its own line of clothing aimed at McDonalds customers. Don’t we have that already? Aren’t they called moo-moo’s?

Saddam Hussein is 100% certain that he will one day return to power. You know, kind of like the Clintons.

You can tell its summer because today Saddam switched to Cool Ranch Doritos.

Did you hear that? Saddam Hussein loves Doritos. You can’t buy publicity like that. If you’re a snack food company, you would want that endorsement.

Saddam got hooked on Doritos at Chemical Ali’s Super Bowl party.

The American Film Institute did a survey of the greatest movie lines of all time. Do you know what was ranked #1 was? Clark Gable in gone with the wind, "Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” The least-popular movie line of all time? "Popcorn and your small soda, that’ll be $9.75.”

Here's an interesting fact:  The REAL reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.

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Ba-dump-bump!