GUIDO’S SHIPS The Italians have followed the ages old tradition of naming their boats with a three-letter prefix. For example: USA uses USS which means "United States Ship." The British uses HMS which means "Her Majesty's Ship." and now, Italy is using AMB which means "Atsa My Boat!" * * * * * OOPS! A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, and then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a common bum?" "I'm very sorry, sir," began the contrite headwaiter. "Oh, it's quite all right," said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again." * * * * * Andrea Smith, with dad Tom Smith (R), explains to Kim Shrader how she can translate for Brian Evison, now that she’s spent the past year down under.

Web Fun

POINTS TO PONDER

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams?

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that stuff from Acme, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Why is a person who handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Is Disneyworld  the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your sphere?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

ON THE LINKS

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip, and lower my right thumb."

THE BLARNEY STONE

A group of Americans are touring Ireland. One of the women in the group is a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining: "The bus seats are uncomfortable, food is terrible, too hot, too cold, accomodation is dreadful …"

One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," their guide says. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouts. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well, now," the guide says, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffs.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide responds. "But I have sat on it."